love him or leave him?

so last night i met my real father, he left before i was born and i have only seen him once in my life time other than last night when i was 4. i did fine with seeing him for the most part until he had left. i cried like a little kid. askin why did he leave in the first place. not ready for kids yet? he has another daughter a yr younger than me that can't be it. was i not what he wanted? did he just not care? i don't get it at all.. not having someone who is suppose to be there for your life, someone your suppose to be able to count on, really screws you up. i feel guilty for everything i said about him i dont know why because everything i said was true. n i have his face stuck in my head. everytime i close me eyes he is there.. he gave me a card for graduation with $300 in it. i was like oh my god! awesome.. but i said thank you for the card.. that was it.. i feel bad but at the same point i havent seen him since i was 4. i didnt know what to do. giving him a hug would have been awkward for me. there aint much that can make me cry like a lil kid but i sat there last night n probably cried for at least an hr n a half. i feel like a bad person. for having him show up after 13 years  and actin like nothing had happened.  when he left. i didnt give him a hug i said goodbye and thank you for coming. i feel bad about that too but i couldnt get myself to give him a hug.. i am so confused about all of it.. i really dont know how to feel. but all i feel is guilt and sadness. to some extent i wish i wouldve said more but i didn't know what to say. n even though i've met him twice, i feel like i love him just a little because he is my true father....but i dont want to.. i know thats mean and probably harsh. but i... i honestly dont know.. i really dont.

screw you!

I've tried to stay positive with everything that goes wrong ok. ive tried to be a good friend to anyone who comes my way just to get stabbed in the damn back all the time by people who i think are my friends. screw it! yall can have your knives back im sure you'll be needing them soon! you say you care, bullshit! if you cared ya wouldnt be sayin the shit you do n actin the way you do. i aint gunna go on sayin my life is shit because ya know what it aint! i love my life, with the people who i know that are in my life n want to stay there. i do all kinds of crap for everyone. people or someone to vent too i am always there always will be but when you turn right around after everything i did for you, or adivce i had given you n treat me with disrespect that i dont reserve. i dont think so! i take a lot of crap ok. i've been beaten for the last 10 years of my damn life, ive been told im worthless and a piece of shit by ex's that i did anything possible i could to make them happy. i have a high tolerance for stupid ass people, i can control myself, but when i am pushed too damn far for too damn long. i dont frickin think so!!! i cant wait to get out of this town after high school. even though it probably wont be any different, hopefully i can find people who actually have respect. This isn't a piss poor me blog either. i've been pushed around, and bitched at for far too long i aint dealin with it anymore. heres to the people who will no longer be part of my life! screw you!!!