love him or leave him?

so last night i met my real father, he left before i was born and i have only seen him once in my life time other than last night when i was 4. i did fine with seeing him for the most part until he had left. i cried like a little kid. askin why did he leave in the first place. not ready for kids yet? he has another daughter a yr younger than me that can't be it. was i not what he wanted? did he just not care? i don't get it at all.. not having someone who is suppose to be there for your life, someone your suppose to be able to count on, really screws you up. i feel guilty for everything i said about him i dont know why because everything i said was true. n i have his face stuck in my head. everytime i close me eyes he is there.. he gave me a card for graduation with $300 in it. i was like oh my god! awesome.. but i said thank you for the card.. that was it.. i feel bad but at the same point i havent seen him since i was 4. i didnt know what to do. giving him a hug would have been awkward for me. there aint much that can make me cry like a lil kid but i sat there last night n probably cried for at least an hr n a half. i feel like a bad person. for having him show up after 13 years  and actin like nothing had happened.  when he left. i didnt give him a hug i said goodbye and thank you for coming. i feel bad about that too but i couldnt get myself to give him a hug.. i am so confused about all of it.. i really dont know how to feel. but all i feel is guilt and sadness. to some extent i wish i wouldve said more but i didn't know what to say. n even though i've met him twice, i feel like i love him just a little because he is my true father....but i dont want to.. i know thats mean and probably harsh. but i... i honestly dont know.. i really dont.

screw you!

I've tried to stay positive with everything that goes wrong ok. ive tried to be a good friend to anyone who comes my way just to get stabbed in the damn back all the time by people who i think are my friends. screw it! yall can have your knives back im sure you'll be needing them soon! you say you care, bullshit! if you cared ya wouldnt be sayin the shit you do n actin the way you do. i aint gunna go on sayin my life is shit because ya know what it aint! i love my life, with the people who i know that are in my life n want to stay there. i do all kinds of crap for everyone. people or someone to vent too i am always there always will be but when you turn right around after everything i did for you, or adivce i had given you n treat me with disrespect that i dont reserve. i dont think so! i take a lot of crap ok. i've been beaten for the last 10 years of my damn life, ive been told im worthless and a piece of shit by ex's that i did anything possible i could to make them happy. i have a high tolerance for stupid ass people, i can control myself, but when i am pushed too damn far for too damn long. i dont frickin think so!!! i cant wait to get out of this town after high school. even though it probably wont be any different, hopefully i can find people who actually have respect. This isn't a piss poor me blog either. i've been pushed around, and bitched at for far too long i aint dealin with it anymore. heres to the people who will no longer be part of my life! screw you!!!

Asshole in disguise

I've lost all my respect for you
everything you've said and everything you do
you  became someone you said you would never be
you're a liar, to everyone and me
putting on the act that you're such a "great guy"
but they can't see who you really are, and it was all a giant lie.
you just add the reasons it's so hard for us to trust.
you don't know the different between love and LUST
you're mean, you lie and you cheat
you don't care, you're one of the worst people i could meet.
your a drunk, your scary, and you've got anger issues
you throw shit around, scream and hit us too
tell us we're worthless, nothing n that's all we'll ever be.
I hope they all do the same to you, so you'll see how it felt to me.
i hope you realize, we were the best you ever had, and better than you ever were.
i bet you're happy with her for sure.
rather then getting "cozy with your new girl
pull your head out of your ass and be a better father
better yet don't even bother!
if left up to me, I'd keep him away from you
he needs a much better role model to look up too.
he may be your son, but he is my brother and  i will do a better job or raising him then you ever will!

perfect...i think not

What's it like to be perfect, please do tell
by trying to get me to get there, you're making my life a living hell
Is it never saying the wrong things?
living my life like i'm on your strings.
is it doing everything you tell me to?
with all the broken prmises you've said to me
the broken mirrors and you making it hard to breathe.
all the shattered dreams and broken hearts
i ruined your plan right from the start.
everything you've said every night
i'll remember for the rest of my life.
i'll never be who you want to be

seriously? wtf!

seriously? ok some people may agree with this and some people wont.
it irratates the hell out of me when people who complain that their life is the worst because of something so small that happened.. when sometimes it was their own fault in the first place. example: like they have a really bad break up. dont get me wrong i've had some too n i know how much it hurts, but to sit there and say "FML!" and say your life sucks n it's over is a bit extreme.. when they post it on myspace,facebook etc.  someone comments on it and asks whats wrong. n they say they dont wanna talk about it. wtf? then why post it where everyone can see it?! ugh i am sorry but it's not the end of the world although it may feel that way. Life never came with a handbook, and never will. our lives are like roller coasters we build the tracks ourselves but we never want to ride the rails.  yes there are times where life is scary, sad, misriable, happy. but that is life people. we make our own lives.

we need to tkae responsiblities for our own actions. the real world is going to be the same. highschool never ends. your going to have drama, people who irratate the hell out of you, people who are dumbasses, and people who think they are better then everyone. there are going to be complications it happens. just because something happens doesnt mean you should let it get you down. always keep your head held high, keep smiling, remember that it could always be worse then it is so keep thinking posistive, and when it comes to "love" it takes a couple trips around the barn, and you may get kicked and bucked but they will lead you in the right direction to that perfect horse. live your live, dont need to spend time complaining about saying it's horrible, because somewhere else there is a child/kid being beaten,raped, or worse. you should be thankful for the life you have, because it could always be worse.

by the words of Gandhi "You must be the change you want to see in the world" and "an eye for an eye ends up making the whole word blind".
if there is someone you see who needs their spirits lifted who needs a shoulder, weather you know them or not, let them know you are there, if they need someone to talk too. Do what you would want someone to do for you.. and remember just because someoen treated you wrong dont mean you need to drop to their level and be the same. stay true to who you are.

My hero... or should i say zero..

When i was younger  i thought the one person in my family i could count on, the one person who was the only one who got me to talk when i was in the hospital, the only one who promised he would always be there for me.. was my cousin. he was there the day i was born, and every year through the age of 12.  i have so many memeories of me and him. goin up to our nana's almost every day wwe spent with each other. he looked out for me as if he was my own brother. we told each other everything, we did most everything together. i have to say one of the best memories i have of us was the ditch fights we use to have at my grandparents house. each of us sat on the opposite side of the ditch from each other, pretending we were at war. we had taken pebbles and rocks n threw them as if they were bullets and gernades. haha yeah pretty screwed up but it was great. our nana yelled at us for doin it tho.. after he got into high school everything changed.. we never saw each other as much, never talked as much, it seemed i had lost my best friend but i still thought he was the best, the greatest, he was my idol. when i got to high school, he looked out for me n had his friends do the same. but through the years we've lost touch and he changed into something he promised he would never be. he had two choices and he took the wrong one, i dont know why because it's not who he is and i know that for a fact. i still love him but he makes me think less of him each day, he went from being my hero.. to zero.

R.I.P

To be honest I hate being part of this generation. It may have been worse sometime else but I'd rather be in any other than here. Every time you walk down the street it's like everyone has something to say about someone else. You're always being judged. I personally don't care most the time but others around me and people I know and love are being effected by the stereotyping, bullying and peer pressure. A young boy committed suicide last night, there are rumors going around that it was because of bullying. I wish I could bring that boy back, and give him advice to try and help him through. The part that irritates me is that, our school doesn't do anything about it until its already happened, and even then they will do something about it and then Gradually start loosening the grip on their rules, and discipline. I think it's ridiculous. Wouldn't you think they would start stepping up and doing something more about it? No...this society needs to realize what is happening and stop it as much as they can rather than siting in grief, making new rules and laws then not caring a much once they think they have it under controll and letting rules and disipline slide. Then it'll get bad again and the process starts all over again. To all of you who think that life is awful you've got to think, life hasn't come with a handbook, we are meant to go through an figure it out. Life is going to have hard times we must understand that, And no matter what you've got to know there is always someone who is willing to listen and help you.

I always hope you know you've got someone there for you.
They'll be there when you don't know what to do.
They'll be there when you need to cry
They'll be there for you until you die
They'll be there for you when your mad and need to scream.
They'll be there for you to tell your dream.
You're beautiful in your own way
Don't get down over what other people say.
Your are who you are and you don't need to change.